I’d forgotten about this. I discovered it a couple of weeks ago. July 23rd, to be exact. I’m not going to say what/where it’s from, or who said it, for it is a “spoiler” of sorts. Hmmm…please no one report me for quoting without a reference!

Of course it is happening inside your head…but why on earth should that mean that it’s not real?

- Rowling, J.K. (2007).
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
(Cdn. ed., pp. 579). Vancouver: Raincoast Books.

edit: I’ve realised the idiocy of not saying where it’s from; after all, I did specifically mention the date to (hopefully) imply exactly where it came from. And, also, what does it matter what book it’s from? The spoiler is who said it, not the book itself. Citation added. Of course, I *just* sent my APA manual home with my father yesterday, and I can’t seem to find a source that tells me how to cite a specific page in a single-author book (n.b. AUTHOR, not editor), I’m hoping I made the right choice! The post title’s quote is on pg. 503. Wait, when did I start caring…? Merlin’s pants, I’m destined to become a professor!

I’d planned on documenting the whole summer, day by day, on here.

As anyone can plainly see, that didn’t happen.

It’s nearly 3am, and I can’t get to sleep. Today, I’m stuck in the past. Can’t let go. Which is likely why I’m on here.

So, some random updates (if anyone is even reading this!!):

• Week 14 of 16 began today. I well up every time I think about that. I’m not entirely sure why myself…Montréal was amazing at first, and there’s lots of things I’m going to miss, but there’s also many things I want to put behind me.
• I chose pharmacy. I’m still not 100% sure it’s what I want. Part of my way of thoroughly enjoy it has been to throw myself into it completely. We have a facebook group, and people think I’m so lovely and helpful!
  

  I’m glad you joined the global pharmacy 1T1 group, because now it’s much more alive!

  Silly things like that make me ridiculously happy
  I’m looking forward to it, but I’m scared as hell for multiple reasons. Some are obvious: new school, major program, etc.

  But, I have several major fears…

  • encounters with the past: I’m not entirely sure who’s going to be at UofT next year, and who’s not. Jessica (hehe, I meant Currie, but Chung will be there too!) will be there, and I’ll hopefully have lunches with her. I forget how many Queen’s kiddies will be there, but it includes Elizabeth, Justin, Babak, Pui Yu, Kent, Lianne, Charles He (dear Meds 1T1…I feel for you)…I feel like I’m forgetting someone important, but a quick scan thru facebook and e-mail has revealed nothing. There’s Adil, who some CSCBC2007 people might remember (Jameel’s friend). There’s Maria, a fellow “Discover McGill” friend. There’s also LP kids, new and old, including Andrew Schepmeyer in meds, a bunch of younger people, and I guess Kent gets double-counted here. Vera’s there, I hadn’t even talked to her for years until she recently popped up on facebook!! Speaking of code names (which actually comes in the next sentence), CNB’s brother is there. Most importantly, there’s the friend-turned-bitch, friend-turned-bitch-turned-friend-turned-blah and the-one-who-got-away. Now, I know FTB (hehe, code names) and FTBTFTB both “graduated”, but I have no idea what their new plans are. TOTGA (ha, I’m turning that into TOGA!) also graduated, his/her future seems unclear at the moment but (s)he will DEFINITELY be around, especially during “phrosh” week. Very nervous about that…and, on an “I’m a dumbass” note, why am I bothering to conceal TOGA’s gender, when clearly I’m straight (at least, I hope that’s somewhat clear at this point) which clearly makes him male. Silly girl.
  • encounters w/ the past, part 2: I felt a separate bullet was necessary; there’s already too much for one bullet above, and this problem deserves some highlighting. People who are going to be IN pharmacy are the ones I’m most worried about. Pui Yu’s is going, I don’t think that’s really here nor there. I’ve discovered through facebook that some students and I have mutual friends, but all the pharm kids except for one don’t really seem to be in touch with these friends so they can’t hear anything good or bad. There’s one I’m slightly worried about…his Queen’s friend knows WAY more than he should about my “problems” (mostly because I told him myself, I didn’t have much choice in the matter). I don’t see him saying anything bad about me…I’m worried he might do something seemingly nice like tell the pharm guy to keep an eye out for me in case something happens. Sweet, yes, but I don’t want any preformed notions… And on THAT note, there’s the one I’m most worried about. I feel the need to get this out, and I hope I can conceal this as best as possible. There’s this person I’ve known of through another person since 1st year. They’ve wanted to go to pharm for a while, I’ve known that. When I saw (s)he’d joined the group, I nearly puked. Something I want to escape is going to haunt me, I can just feel it. I’d hoped the pharm student wouldn’t have ever heard my name before and I’d be fine–or, at least, (s)he’d heard my name many times but didn’t make the connection–but the very day I joined the group, (s)he messaged me asking if I was the same person. Frick. Again, I don’t want people to already know things about me before they’ve actually met me (actually, I may have met him/her before, I’m not sure…and, coincidentally, the night I was supposed to meet him/her was the night (s)he didn’t end up making it out for some reason and instead other events occurred that turned my life upside down). I don’t know what (s)he knows of late, but I’m worried sick. She/he seems like someone I’d really get along with, but now I’m scared to get too close. I guess I’m also afraid of certain friends visiting him/her. I just want it to all go away.
  • becoming too reliant on my parents: well, I obviously knew all along that I’d be near home. I knew that I’d sometimes want help with groceries, I’d sometimes want a drive back to Mrs.Auga, etc. What I didn’t know until recently is that I’m living in the Chestnut. First, a mini-rant…the building is ridiculously secure, which I guess makes sense considering how many homeless people camp out in the area (especially when the Law Society does “Feed the Hungry”). You have to get an ID card made when you move in, and you need to show it every time. Guests need to sign in, showing ID. That’s reasonable. Max. 4 guests at a time. That’s reasonable too. Overnight guests can only stay a max. of 3 days in a row. That’s reasonable, 3 nights is a long weekend, and the ultimate goal’s to make sure there’s no extra people living in the building!! It’s the last rule that can go to hell: a person may only stay up to 10 nights in the whole year (remember that they check ID and record it). Boy do I feel sorry for people in long-distance relationships. Boy do I feel sorry for people in relationships period. The funny part about it is, being on the “grad” floor, I get a “super single” room, complete with a KING-SIZE BED! Honestly, what do I need a king-size bed for?? Even if there were someone else in the bed, it’s still really big (and finding reasonably-priced bedsheets is hell). But, with the max. 10 nights rule, how often can a person share the bed. Now, I could turn into a whore and have a different person in the bed every night…but I think it’s very safe to say that’s not gonna happen. Right, back to my parents…if you’ve been to Toronto, picture the area. Stand in the middle of the intersection between Chestnut, Armoury, a walkway and the parking garage entrance. In the northeast corner, you have the Chestnut. In the southeast corner, you have city hall. Now we get slightly more problematic: In the northwest corner, there’s some parking, but just west of that is a row of office buildings and stores, including Staples (sweet!), Thai Express (crap, there goes my money) and…dun dun dun…the Law Society’s “other” offices. Since renovations are constantly being done on Osgoode Hall, various departments have been shifted out there on a somewhat rotating basis. I worked in that building in 2004. Some of the IT section has been moved into there again, which means there’s a lot of people I know. It also means the director of IT (aka CIO) now has two large offices: the main one in Osgoode, and a smaller (but “head”) office in this building. Now, the best/worst part, which has become very clear to anyone who knows anything about me: in the southwest corner, we have…Osgoode Hall. Home of the LSUC. Home of my summer jobs for the past 3 summers. Home of my father’s job (and in case you didn’t make the connection, he’s the IT director). That parking lot I mentioned in the intersection? The one he drives into every morning and parks right near the entrance. Wonderful? Horrible? The death of me? Now, with the building being so secure, he can’t get at me. However, I can get at him. Always. Part of me wishes I didn’t know all the security guards at the front desk, ‘cause they’ll just let me right through. I’m really scared of relying on him too much. I could ask him to bring random things from home whenever I feel like it. I could ask him to take home my laundry and return it the next day. There’s a lot I could ask. And I’m afraid. Especially since, as my mom keeps pointing out, he’s scared to say no to me…after last year’s drama, I now seem to be thoroughly spoiled. Bleh. I hope I can maintain some willpower.
  • becoming too comfy: 1st year Pharmacy is known for being a breeze. That’s if you’re taking the full courseload, including orgo. Now, let’s knock out orgo (since I have an exemption). They only let you have exemptions for certain courses. Anatomy is a full year, and mine was a half-year, so clearly that’s that. You can get an exemption for physical chem, but I haven’t taken that. I don’t know which one pisses me off more: stats or microbiology. With microbiology, my oh-so-lovely 95% has gone to waste. It’s one of the courses on the “no exemption” list, since it’s tailored towards pharmacists. With stats, your proposed course must have included 3 things: ANOVA (yes), experimental design (no) and use of a computerized statistical package. Now, hold on a sec…people are now being penalized for learning how to do the real math instead of clicking 3 buttons. But what REALLY bothers me is that experience counts for nothing. My stats course didn’t use SPSS. However, I’ve used SPSS, R, Systat and the MATLAB Statistical Computing add-on package EXTENSIVELY between the four+ labs I’ve worked/volunteered in. There’s also the MATLAB, Mathematica and Maple experience. I didn’t realise how well I knew MATLAB until last week, when I helped out a friend with her lab’s new project/mess. I’ve now worked in two labs where I designed and independently ran experiments. My course didn’t have the “design” component, but I’ve learned it all (not *all*, clearly, but above and beyond what’s expected in pharm stats) through experience and revisions, as well as through doing my own reading!!!! Pharm doesn’t care…I said I could submit letters from profs about my experience etc., but no. BAH. Looking at the course website, it looks like it’s going to be simple enough for people who are doing it the first time around. For me, so long as I don’t get too cocky about it and ignore it, it should be a breeze. So, all in all, I’m taking anatomy, microbiology, stats, phys chem, “applied pharmaceutical sciences” and a bunch of pharmacy courses. Let’s see…given my history with anatomy, microbiology and stats (not only did I get >= A in all, but I actually enjoyed them and retained knowledge), the hardest courses are knocked out. Phys chem’s supposed to be very dumbed-down. A lot of the pharm courses are about critical thinking, communication, etc. It all works out to me having an easy-peasy first year (no, this isn’t just me talking, other pharmacy students have weighed in their opinions too). Now, one the one hand, that would be LOVELY, especially given that I’m still not “well”. However, to move into 2nd and 3rd year (aka suicide year) with this would be insane! So crazy, in fact, that I’ve managed to get my mom on board. With Pharmacy, you pay for the program, not the number of credits. So, you’re paying the same amount whether you take all the courses or have a lot of exemptions. So, we’re allowed to register in artsci courses, and it’s all prepaid! Of course, fitting an ArtSci course into the schedule is a BITCH, but it’s doable. “Neurochemical Basis of Behaviour” (essentially psychopharmacology) is available and non-conflicting BOTH semesters!! I really hope I get in! Something icky about UofT’s reg process…they won’t let you see how many seats are available in a course unless you’re on the current “eligible students” list. Until this week, priorities have been in place…like, for example, that course (PSYC396) can only be entered by psychology students for now. Starting next Monday, I can get in. But, before then, I can’t even find out if there’s space!!!!! Bah.

I think that’s all I can type for now…exhaustion becomes me.

I have so much I could post right now, but instead I’m going to be mildly entertaining.
I was surfing through the McGill classifieds, and came across this one:

Leaving your pets?
Posted Sunday, April 1, 2007
Are you moving away and leaving a pet behind? A dog, a cat or a roddent, let us have it! We’ll take care of it, play with it and feed it. contact by email for more information -Anton, L’Oreal Cosmetics, Montreal.

Okay, now clearly I’m not against animal testing for science, and I’m not sure what my views are on cosmetics…but this is just taking it too far. This just disturbed me, especially since there might be people who don’t know any better…ugh.

Is it that I’m over-dedicated, or that everyone else is under-dedicated?

I guess I’ve always been the type of person who will drop EVERYTHING if a friend is in need. I could have a 70% final the next day and still spend with a friend who’s very upset about something random. It’s happened before, and it’ll likely happen again.

Why can’t anyone ever do that for me?

I understand that everyone has work to do. I know that. I just wish someone could give me maybe 15 minutes of their time. But it won’t happen. And…this is what happened last time. I needed to talk to someone so bad, and no one would listen, and it just built up so much that I couldn’t stand it anymore and tried to jump off the roof.

History’s repeating itself, and I’m terrified it might continue.

And it’s not just that. I’m falling further and further behind in my work because I have this complete inability to concentrate when I’m upset or annoyed with someone. I can’t think about anything else. Friends are always the most important thing to me. And I’m never important to anyone.

Okay, I apologize if this post comes out messed up. I have to manually enter it into the database, since all of a sudden WP has decided to throw so many errors my way that I can’t get to any of the admin screens. I don’t have the patience or the time to figure it out, so it’ll have to wait.

A while ago, I posted about needing a new web browser. This is just a small follow-up, for now.

I said before that I hated how Firefox always opened a blank page when you create a new tab or window, unlike IE which opens the current session in another window (but doesn’t do it for other tabs). The solution? Tab Mix Plus. (There’s a few others too, but this one dominates).

For IE, I miss the “incremental searching” ability. Solution? New add-on called “Inline Search for Internet Explorer”, which I love so much that I even edited a Wikipedia page to let the world know.

In Opera, it turns out there IS an incremental search option, it’s just not the default. You press “/” on your keyboard, and a little panel shows up in the bottom-left corner…it highlights all occurrences in the page, but doesn’t let you go from result to result like most “finds” do. I also the Wand. I’ve definitely been coming around to Opera, but it could never be my default browser. Why? Partly because I’m comfortable with Firefox. Partly because I have yet to find a feature in Opera that isn’t available as a FF extension. Mostly, there is no tablet support!!! There’s not even a “go” button for when you type in a URL in the address bar. Not cool.

I still hate the number of pages that don’t render properly in certain browsers. This Wordpress page I’m typing in now isn’t rendering properly in IE, go figure. That’s what I get for wanting to save my Firefox session.

On that note, that’s something else I love about everything but IE: session saving, especially auto-saving upon a crash.

I also hate that Firefox just plain refuses to download some key things like Flash. Come on already.

After playing around with Safari in the lab for hours, I’ve decided it’s a bitch and it ought to die.

I’ve yet to download Flock, but it’s coming.

I’m sitting here procrastinating. I ought to update “the world” on my current employment status. No confirmed job yet. However, I have an interview today at the Autism Research Centre. It’s a SWEP position, combining molecular biology techniques and bioinformatics and data entry. I *still* haven’t heard back from my current supervisor about the summer…he said he’d get back to me by the end of last week. However, judging by various comments he’s made recently, it looks like I’m going to get the offer. Lastly, I applied to the McGill Behavioural Neuroscience Summer Training program, and got a “request for supplementary materials” (which is the final step before an offer). My problem there is that I need reference letters. I don’t want to ask Dr. Beninger for a reference letter right now since I’d like a position from him (and also because all this headship stuff is overwhelming him), so I need to figure something out. We’ll see!

More updates later, random friends just showed up!

It seems I’ve lost friend x+1.

I say x+1 because I’m not sure how many x is anymore.

I can’t deal with this anymore.

How many more friends do I have to lose?

What am I doing wrong? In this case, I’m completely clueless. When last we spoke, (s)he and I were discussing work. There was nothing controversial, negative, nothing seemed in the least bit wrong. Now, my messages are being ignored. I’ve gone frmo speaking to him/her almost every day to nothing.

Is there something fundamentally wrong with me, that I don’t deserve to keep friends, especially close ones?

Losing this friend would hurt in any case, but I don’t think I’d be this…catatonic. Numb. Most of the time. Then I burst into tears. Then I’m back to nothingness. I’m walking around like a zombie, very slowly. I’m coming to the lab, but that’s pretty much it.

A part of me is actually hoping I don’t get hired so I can curl up in a ball and recluse. That’s not a verb, but I can’t think of a verb right now.

I’m not studying. I just had my 50% MBIO midterm, and undoubtedly failed. I didn’t write enough to pass. I didn’t study because I’ve been too busy staring at the wall, or something to that effect. And I’m not all that bothered by failing right now. I’m just…nothing.

I have assignments due tomorrow.

Nothing.

I stare at the screen. Writing this is effort, and I’m writing at about 20WPM, if that.

And I don’t think I’d be like this over losing this particular friend if it was an isolated event.

It’s an additive effect.

Before, I was always sad, always hurting, so upset about the friends I’ve already lost, not knowing what to do or how to either rectify it or get over it.

Now I’m…nothing. That’s the only word that comes close to describing it. I know there’s another word. I’ve used it before. You can usually find it in relation to depression. No idea what the word is. But that’s also not quite right.

I don’t know who I’m supposed to talk to. If anyone. I messaged a couple of people, but I don’t really feel like talking. I considered calling a crisis line, because this isn’t right, but I don’t think this is the right thing to call about. You call if you’re feeling suicidal. I’m not feeling suicidal, I’m feeling nothing. Feeling suicidal would be an improvement (and that’s actually a clinical fact, not just my opinion).

I don’t know what to do, and I don’t much care.

So, I’ve known for a while now that the Life Sci department is introducing streams for their SSP program. What I just found out is, they’re also making an Honours major. AND I HAVE ALL THE REQUIREMENTS!!!!!!!!

I have to talk to an academic advisor. I’m wondering, if I delay my convocation until Fall 2007, can I get the Honours degree, since the calendar is published in May and some of the course changes take place in the summer? Or, if I’m not here next year, can I still “convocate” in Spring 2008 (especially if I took a course by correspondence)?

This removes one of the major cons for Pharmacy; I was worried that not having an Hons degree and then doing Pharmacy (which, being a professional degree, is not an Honours degree, because you can’t be both) would come back and bite me in the ass if I want to apply to grad school later. That might not be a problem anymore!!

The only thing I know for sure is that I can’t get both an Honours Life Sci AND an Honours Biomed degree, because there’s too much overlap. So, I have to be really sure that I’m sticking with Pharmacy.

What a great day. Seriously. I’m waiting for something to come and ruin it now…every time I write a post about a good day, something dreadful happens. However, those ones never make it to press ( ) so no one ever reads about them!

Not only did I manage to successfully read the 25pg and 16pg journal articles AND finish my pathology assignment AND write a very successful CISC220 midterm (seriously, can one line be considered a script? It’s a command! ), but I also finished my CISC220 assignment well ahead of time and handed it in. Now, tomorrow, I don’t have to go anywhere outside a ~200 metre radius!!!!! Unfortunately, I do have to go to the psychiatrist, which’ll make the day…fun. But YAY!

//rant
There was one particularly crappy incident earlier though. I’m sitting in pathology, listening to the seminar, and all of a sudden, my cell phone rings. It says “Mom” on the call display. Of course, I shut it off, but I started becoming paranoid about she was calling when she knew I was in class. With multiple worst-case scenarios running through my mind, I dialed the number after class. My Dad picked up on my Mom’s cell, when he should have been at work. That brought on the major panic attack. I asked, “Why are you answering her phone,” and he told me she was at the eye doctor with her, followed by a sniffle. Now, my mom has had retinal detachment surgeries in the past, so between that and her diabetes, she’s always worried about going blind. This would be the point where I collapsed onto the bench, burst into tears, and started going “Oh God, oh God, it’s happened, she’s gone blind, oh God…” until my Dad said “What are you talking about? I’m just here with her because she needed me to drive her. We called about your laptop (which is another story for another day…involving my laptop now being non-useable).” Wow. I freaked out over nothing. But honestly, given the circumstances, wouldn’t anyone else flip out too? The best/worst part is when my Dad started laughing at me because I was panicking. NOT FUNNY. I had panic attacks for several hours after that.
//rant

So all my work for tomorrow is done, and I’m almost done all of this week’s work. Next week will be hell though. But, I’m definitely in a keener-study mode right now!

Coolest pictures ever!

Check out the mouse retina, slime mold and squid embryos! So cool!

At least one person do this and make me happy